
The anger bubbled up right before turning off my bedside lamp. It swallowed me up like the ocean, and I was suddenly swimming around frantically, anxious and frustrated. I had to let it out. I beat the mattress with my fists as I kicked my legs like a 3-year old throwing a tantrum on the floor. My downstairs neighbors probably assumed something kinky was going on, but no, I was just regressing to base childish behavior because I didn’t know what else to do.
I suddenly wished I belonged to a 24-hour gym. I could picture myself storming in and hopping on the treadmill for an angry run. The schmuck at the front desk would see my fire and make a mental note to avoid eye contact. Or maybe I’d go into the room where the boxing heavy bags hang from the ceiling and smack them around – all with the poise and power of a lightweight champion, of course. I would be fierce.

Finally, and without relief, I drifted off. You would have thought my dreams would be filled with furious images, but I’m pretty sure I dreamed about a Pinkberry opening up in my living room. When I woke this morning, I felt spent and tired. All day I’ve been trying to make sense of my sudden nocturnal anger and looking for signs of residual rage. Thankfully, I’ve found none.
This whole experience has led me to this futile conclusion - humans don’t make sense. We’re balls of emotion that change and shift when we interact with people, but also when we’re alone in our homes. I would say I know what’s going on inside of me about 40% of the time, and I consider myself enlightened. The rest of my time is spent working through one emotion or another and then trying to figure out why I feel that way. And I’m often unsatisfied.
Sigh...I’m never going to find a husband.
(Cancel that.)
Cancel that? DETAILS PLEASE
ReplyDeleteI often feel a MAJOR downer coming away from an AWESOME trip. Saw it portrayed well on an episode of Mad Men, season 3 when Betsy comes back from a glam weekend in Paris, only to do laundry, cook, and mind the kids...
ReplyDeleteAdrien - "Cancel that" is an expression my roommate and I use whenever we say something that we don't want to come true - like "I'm never going to find a husband." We verbally cancel it in the air before the Universe hears us and responds. :)
ReplyDeleteDita - Very excellent theory! I'm already so back in the swing of things, I've already forgotten that a week ago I was squishing my toes in the white sand of Waikiki Beach.
You're gonna find a husband... =)
ReplyDelete